There's One In Every Crowd....

Gotta love this one just for the irony...

First, let me start out by saying last night was rough. Steady, but rough. Seems like most of the drivers for this company went home at midnight. I guess they were going to turn into a pumpkin...

Anyway, after a string of bad luck, I was sent to a "prestigious" bed and breakfast east of town. People that stay at this place are notorious for being cheap, at least in my experience.

I arrive for the pickup at 3 am. I should have started the meter when I got there. Despite calling their front desk and being informed that the customer had been told the cab was there and waiting, it was 3:25 before we actually got moving, because A) one of these morons had an open beer, which is against state law to transport, B) another of these morons couldn't find her purse, C) once she found her purse, she couldn't find her phone. Are any of these MY fault? NO.

Even though moron #3 was in the cab around 3:15, she asked that I STILL not start the meter. Figuring they would make up for it in tip, I stupidly did not, costing myself $10.00 in wait time.

Long story short, these morons kept me waiting 25 minutes and tipped me less than a dollar. What kept me from giving it back and saying they needed it more than I did, I'll never know. I think I was just resigned to the fact that the night was going to suck.

Where am I sent once I dropped these idiots off? Right back to the same "prestigious" bed and breakfast. Turns out the couple I was picking up that time were supposed to have caught the ride with the idiots I had just dropped off.....

Once I heard that, they got a FULL report, and they were embarrassed by the way their friends had acted. I'm sure they mentioned it to their friends.

I found out that these people were here for a wedding, which was costing them nothing. And they want to fuss about paying for wait time holding up a taxi?! My new rule is: If I come to pick someone up, they get two minutes. Meter starts at that point, and I don't care how much you whine or bitch about it, because I can't count on you tipping that much.

People, when you call for a taxi, it's not the driver's fault if they arrive before you're ready. It's your fault for calling for a cab before you're ready. Every minute you hold us up is time lost from another fare, especially when you're stupid enough to keep a driver waiting nearly a half-hour. You're keeping us from making our living. Get over yourselves.

The Irony In This Just KILLS Me.....

Okay, so last night my phone rings.... totally caught me off guard because it hasn't rung for an actual taxi call much in the past year. Usually friends, etc....

It was a female student who has not called me in over a year and a half. I asked where she'd been, and she responds, "I thought you had gone out of business." Jesus, the irony here. I'm going out of business BECAUSE people like her have been using this stupid rationale to not call me!

When in reality, I know why. As I said before, these people will ride a Sherman tank if it gets them there cheaper. I know who they've been calling. The limos that are running as taxis illegally. The shuttle buses that are in no way, shape, or form, legal.

I said, "Well, ma'am, the irony in this is that I AM going out of business this weekend BECAUSE people like you haven't been calling me."

"Oh, we'll start calling you..." blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Sure. It's a little too late for that now.

She was in a large group, and wasn't even part of the group that rode with me. Whatever. She did call later.... Want to know how THAT call went? Keep reading.

She called and told me she was at a bar about two blocks from where I was. No problem, I'll be there in about thirty seconds. I told her I would be on the Market Street side of the building, and which way to go to find me.

Here's a map to explain what happened next. Locations are circled in red, street names are circled in blue to show locations in relation to each other.


Forty seconds later, some people I assumed to be with her group approached the van and got in.

Four blocks later, my phone rings again for Call 2, wanting to know where I am. Keep in mind this position on the map is a guess, because she didn't even know where she was for sure. I informed her that I thought I had her people because I had told her I would be on the Market Street side "Where I Am". Before that call was over, she put her friend on, who said they were on Water Street. I told her I would be back as soon as I dropped the people who had gotten her cab.

Call 3 came two minutes later. They had determined where they were on Water Street, and it was pretty obvious that they were walking. I told them that I would not be able to find them if they continued walking, because they would not be where they said they were.

Two minutes after THAT, in comes Call 4. Still walking. I told them that I was on my way back to get them, and that they needed to stop walking or I would not be able to find them.

I arrive at THAT location 4 minutes later. Calling her back got the response, "Oh, we got another ride." And just when was she planning on calling me to let me know about this?!!!

People like this are too stupid to be left unsupervised, and I really hope that she reads this and sees how stupid she was being. People exactly like this doing stupid things exactly like this are part of the reason I am going out of business.

What..... The...... Fuck??!!!!!

Ladies beware, READ THIS FULLY before you jump to conclusions........ I apologize for NOTHING, because I have done NOTHING wrong here. This is a partial explanation of why I am the way I am.

I'm getting ready to have big fun.... Keep in mind, I USED to respect women immensely. I don't think all women are bitches (yet), but I HAVE to come to discover what classifies one as a silly bitch or a full-blown cunt.

Now, among other things, I have already been falsely accused of taking advantage of a female passenger in my cab. Once found to be drunk and underage, she was subsequently cuffed, stuffed and hauled off to jail with a "Sorry about that, sir, you have a good evening."

I went to karaoke tonight to find out that even though I have been flirting with the waitresses for the entire 4 months I have been there and never laid a finger on any of them, I am now being told that there are some of them complaining.

My first thought was to stop coming there, if I can't be myself. But then my rebellious nature and logic kicked in. Damn it, this is my night off, and my fun. I'll be damned if I am going to let someone else take it away from me. I am now going to refuse service from ALL female servers there, and I am going to tip the male servers that serve me double.

This and quite a few other things have really ruined it for any female that gets interested in me, because I don't know whether they're going to cause me problems or not. If I don't know I can trust a female, why should I let them in? And the double standard when it comes to better-looking guys --- give me a fucking break! A waitress would probably let a guy grab her ass if he looked like Brad Pitt!

But I guess I'll get the last laugh when the other female servers find out and get pissed off at the ones who complained. And they will know who, I'm sure. :)

Whew!

I have a few rules in my taxi cab. Some of them are for my protection, some of them for protection of my equipment, and some are for protection of my passengers.

One of those rules is very much both for my protection AND my passengers. If a female passenger (especially by herself) does not know where she is going and I have no way to find out where she needs to go, I stop a cop right then and there. Cab drivers have an unnecessary and undeserved reputation for having BO and trading fares for sexual favors, among other things.

I'm not like that. If a female passenger shows interest in me, I give her my card and tell her to call me when I'm off duty. It never goes beyond that, usually they lose my card or whatever.

A lone female UVa student was put in my cab last night by her "friends" with about eight dollars to get her where she was going. The address they gave me wasn't right, and she couldn't (or wouldn't) tell me where she lived.

After five places that were not where she lived, I asked to see her ID. Perfect. An out-of-town address, so that was no help. After repeatedly asking her where she lived, she finally muttered, "Just park."

"Excuse me, ma'am?"

"Take me to your place," she said. Oh, hell, no. Not when she's this drunk and can holler rape later. And certainly not when I'm working.

Just then a Crown Vic pulls up behind me. Never thought I'd say this, but hot damn, here comes a cop.

Before it was over with, she told the cops I was trying to hook up with her (she was so drunk the cop didn't believe her, seeing as I was the one who asked for their help), then blew a .21 on the Breathalyzer. When I gave them the name that was on the ID she gave me, they found a credit card in her wallet that had a different name. Uh-oh.

Turns out she was underage and had been drinking on her older sister's ID. Now she's REALLY in trouble. Would have been a simple drunk in public charge if not for that. But if she had gotten her head out of her ass and told me where she lived instead of trying to hem me up, she would have had no problem.

I still can't believe this bitch tried to get me locked up for something I didn't do. And women wonder why I have a hard time trusting them. This is why, ladies. I usually have a hard time even asking a woman out and that's IF I find someone I'm interested in (rare).

Darwin Award Candidate of 2002.......

During fraternity / sorority rush week at the university, I got a call to a rather populated area of the main fraternity / sorority area.

The house was dark, and no one answered the phone. I was just about to leave when a guy steps out of the bushes, stark naked except for tennis shoes and something hanging around his neck.

He reached for the door, and I asked, "May I help you?" He says, "I called for the cab." Of course, I'm doing a Spooner from I, Robot.... "Oh, HELL, no!"

The guy runs and jumps in front of the car. One way street. "Wait, wait!"

"Brother, you don't have clothes, therefore, you don't have any money."

He produced a $50 bill, to which I responded, "You've got 30 seconds to explain this. It better be good, and I'm promising nothing."

His "mission" to get into the fraternity was to take a taxicab 3 times around the fraternity area...... stark naked........ mooning everyone along the way.

I was not in the least interested in being part of this debacle, but he told me no one else would do it either. "There's a reason for that," I said. "Cops catch us, they could yank my taxi permit."

I finally told him if he brought some clothes with him, at least I would be able to say he had clothes on when he got in the car.

What neither one of us was counting on was a girl hiding in the bushes outside a sorority with a big Super Soaker..... the kind with a huge tank on it? YEAH. Not only was it a 40 degree night, she was a crack shot, no pun intended.

He was soaked, my back seat was soaked, and both of us were trying to figure out what had happened. When he saw her approaching to nail him again, he yelled, "Go, man, go!!!"

I responded, "Let's get one thing straight. I'm doing this in the interests of my interior, not you." He wound up walking a couple blocks naked that night. Served him right. Took two hours to dry my seats where they could be used again.

He happened to be with a group of his friends that called me later that year. He recognized me, but I didn't recognize him (big surprise, he had clothes on this time). When I realized who he was, I asked if he got into his fraternity, which he had. "Was it worth it?" I asked.

"I don't know, I've been drunk ever since." Ah, the naivety of youth.

More Idiotic And Narrow-Minded Thinking......

Okay, you all know by now that my primary business is running an independently owned and operated local taxicab service. Here is yet another story to illustrate how some people don't use their head for something besides a hat rack. We are all entitled to our opinions, but some people base their opinions on precisely the wrong aspects of the situation. Case in point......

About the time that the Democratic nomination for the 2008 election was still up in the air, a group of yahoos get in my taxi one night. The subject of the election comes up in the conversation, of course. They ask me if I think the country is ready for a black president, to which I replied I don't really look at that sort of thing, I decide based on whether I think the candidate will serve the common good (yeah, right, since when does the U.S. government do that?)

One of the yahoos seemed shocked at the revelation that Osama (I mean, Obama -- Did I say that out loud?) was black, or part black, whichever the case may be, and asks, "Is he really black?"

Another yahoo said, "Well, he's black enough."

Amazing. Simply amazing that some people are still that ignorant in this day and age. Does anyone know when we will all wake up and realize that blood is red, no matter the color of the skin it flows beneath? There are good and bad people in every walk of life and every race.

Too many people generalize based on their (very limited) experience. I have my own opinions about the presidential candidates, again, based on my (limited) experience in hearing their position on issues, etc. But does this really matter when the ELECTORAL COLLEGE is what really decides the president-elect?

Seriously people, that system has rendered the people's popular vote worthless. I, for one, still plan to vote, but I know in the back of my mind that our votes don't really decide the election. Since becoming of age to vote, I have seen at least two elections in which the president-elect did not win the popular vote. Food for thought......

Another Here's Your Sign Story......

Okay, so tonight this couple gets in my taxi after leaving a bar (surprise surprise). The guy is lit up like the 4th, and starts pawing at his girlfriend. She shoves him away and says, "I'm not your whore, don't treat me like a whore."

Having noticed something when she got in the car, I started snickering. She got this superior, hoity-toity attitude and snapped, "What's so funny, SIR?"

I couldn't resist. She had asked for it -- quite literally. She was wearing a halter top that read, "Can You Afford Me?"

She was so oblivious I just didn't have the heart to say it......

Do You Qualify?

Okay.... I'm sure I'm not alone in this, but seeing as in the past 24 hours, I have nearly been broadsided at 45 by a rice-rocket, sandwiched between two tractor-trailers, and run off the road...... I am listing my pet peeves while driving, I am sure more will be added as time goes on.

To those who can operate their stereo perfectly, but don't know what that funny-looking lever to the left of the steering wheel is for......

To those who don't enter a turn lane until they are forced to make a 90-degree turn, forcing everyone else to slam on the brakes........

To those who are too stupid to understand that daytime running lights are just that.... DAYTIME running lights, not full headlights and running lights......

To those who think it's their given duty to ride the passing lane matching speed perfectly with slower traffic........

To those who don't know what that pretty blue light on the dash that looks like a headlight means.........

To those who stop at green lights and blow through red ones.......

To those who stop ten feet before the line at every traffic light.........

To those who routinely cut off vehicles ten times the size of your own.......

To those who think as long as they keep the car between the solid white lines, it's okay to wander......

To those who back up against oncoming traffic when they miss a turn.........

To those who insist on hanging out in moving traffic beside vehicles whose tires are taller than your vehicle.........

To those who get more mileage out of a gallon of a gas than a set of brakes......

To those who stop ten feet before the next vehicle at every traffic light......

To those who routinely park with at least a fourth of the car out in traffic........

To those who sling an SUV around as if it were an F1 car..........

To those who stop traffic to let another vehicle in with a green light!!!! The driver behind you might know what you're doing, but the other ten behind them don't....

To those who drive 70 in the snow because you have 4-wheel-drive........

To those who can't park within 2 feet of the curb.......

To those who challenge other vehicles because yours is bigger and heavier........

To those who traded a Honda Civic in on a Chevy Suburban and can't get used to it........

To those who block an intersection when you know you're not getting through it before the light changes.......

To those who routinely sustain heavier damage than door dings........

To those who challenge other vehicles for the right-of-way because you have insurance.......

To those who pull forward to cut another driver off when you can't go anywhere anyway......

To those who can't park evenly with the curb............

To those who stop and block traffic with a green light when they realize they're in the wrong lane.........

To those whose license plates strike fear in the hearts of pedestrians everywhere......

To whose who challenge emergency vehicles for the right-of-way......

To those who think it's okay to stop in traffic and turn on your hazards to talk to someone. Do you know what a parking space is for?

To those who can't park in one space.......

To those who change direction with the wind because you don't know where the hell you're going......

To those who assume you are the only one on the road or in the parking lot and move without looking....

To those who refuse to make a right turn on red --- with no sign restricting it and no traffic.........

To those who think a yield or stop sign is a suggestion..........

To those who go three blocks up a one-way street the wrong way because they're too lazy to go down one block and turn.........



Turn in your driver's license. You probably don't belong behind the wheel of a lawn mower, and I wouldn't trust you on a Segway without a helmet, you're too stupid.

Here's Your Sign......

People have a really annoying tendency to leave their cell phones and wallets in public transportation vehicles. Hey, it happens. Everyone is forgetful sometimes.

But one very annoying habit that people have when they leave such things in taxicabs is that they expect us to bring it back to them at no charge.

One girl left a $300 phone in my cab one night -- and got pissed because I charged her $10.90 on the meter to bring it across town to her!

Let's look at this for a second. We're burning fuel to bring it back to you that could have been used to run a fare. We're also not available for a fare while we're bringing it back to you (if you want it right now, as most people do). Not to mention the fact that it's not our fault you left your belongings in the cab in the first place.

In my case, most people are lucky to even get it back, because of the fact that I'm not a major company, and no one knows who I am, so that they can call to check. I do, however, make an effort to find the person it belongs to.

So, if you ever leave such things in a taxicab, don't get mad if we charge you to bring it to you. Remember that we didn't make you leave your belongings in the cab. Also, think about what it will cost you in money, time and aggravation to replace your phone, or credit cards, etc. Be glad that you're getting it back without that hassle.