After 14 years of veritable silence, I had a long overdue and much-needed conversation last night. I don't think I have all the answers I need yet, but I did get the major one I needed.
Going back to 1996. (Yeah, that's a long time) Certain individuals (mostly parents on both sides) were interfering with my relationship with someone I really cared about, up to and including making both of us feel like we were doing wrong. When she moved several states away for a job after only asking if I minded her going, I felt cheated out of what I wanted, simply because someone else didn't want me to have that.
Even though I suspected at the time that she might feel the same way about what was happening to us, I never knew for sure until last night. There was always the thought in the back of my mind, that perhaps I did something wrong, or there was something wrong with me.
Now I know that this isn't so, and I think the uncertainty was keeping me from moving on. I've been talked down to all my life by various people. That I wasn't good enough. That I didn't belong. That I don't deserve to be happy. That there's something wrong with me.
Perhaps this isn't really over with, just a means to start healing. I don't fault her for any of it. She did what she needed to do, and I just wanted her to be happy. She didn't do anything wrong except forget to say it wasn't me. When someone that makes you happy leaves you without explaining that it isn't you or anything you did, it will make even the strongest person doubt themselves.
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